You know my last post, about being depressed but knowing that “the heart of life is good” and all that positive stuff I wrote? Forget all that BS. It has just gotten real up in here, up in HERE. By the way, this is the first blog I am writing from my phone because I do not have the strength or energy to sit at my desk. Props to WordPress for having a phone app. When we last talked I was depressed, mildly from the sound of it, but more than I let on.That was me putting on my brave face to the world. That was the me I wanted you to believe in . That’s me SOMETIMES. But now I am doing what is called rapid cycling. I am now in a manic episode. The main feature of this is insomnia. I have not slept in three days, despite a plethora of drug options. I am also agitated, anxious, and easily angered. Many experience “high” moods during a manic phase. I haven’t gotten there yet. Still hoping I might experience that but really what I need is to be back to center or “normal”, whatever that is. Not depressed and not manic. Centered. That is the goal, always. I don’t know what triggered this latest round of cycling. I suspect, but I can’t know for sure. But I think one trigger can be found in a blog I wrote called A Voice For Teresa, about discovering the suicide of a friend of a friend. That incident was unsettling to me and has stayed with me. Once a thing gets in my head, it just burrows deep inside there and makes a nest and calls itself at home. May that be a lesson to those of you who are considering suicide. You will hurt not only every single person who loves you but also every single person who knows you and many people that know of you and a lot that hear about you. You have no idea how far your influence reaches in this life. So think about that, and choose to live. I am choosing to live even though I feel godforsaken awful right now because I know this is all just temporary. Fluctuations in my hormones come and go. Depressions and manic episodes come like seasons and they stay a little while and they go. Better times come around too and are worth waiting for. There I go getting all positive again. I’ll be honest. I’m not in a good place right now. That Pollyanna voice just takes over somehow when things get dark. I’m trying to tell you what it’s really like. People have the idea, partially from me that being manic is party time. It’s FUN. Well, occasionally, it can be, truth be told. Your spirits are in high gear and your sense of humor is sharp and you feel like the life of the party. Those moments do happen. And yes, it’s true, it can increase your sex drive, making you a lot friendlier than usual. But these are only part of the story. As I described before, agitated, anxious, ANGRY. Anger is the one trait I have to be cautious about when I am in manic mode. Most people who know me will tell you that I am a an extremely laid-back individual but that I do have a temper deep inside somewhere. When I’m manic, that temper sizzles to the surface in seconds at the slightest hint of a provocation. It doesn’t even take that much. I can sit and stew over something too long and suddenly, I’m ANGRY. Over something that happened days, weeks, months, or years earlier. And when I begin to brood over something or someone, I believe God leaves me to it. “You’re on your own , He says. “I want no part of this.” And so I am alone with my evil anger which, in His absence, turns to hatred, and I fill up with this venom. The anger happens during depression too, but is not as likely to rise to the surface. This is what I fear. My anger showing itself. Being out of control.Self control is the key. Anger is not, in itself , an evil thing. Sometimes it is appropriate and righteous to be angry. But it must meet those guidelines and be controlled to be acceptable in our society. So what do I do with my anger? How do I vent? The same way I deal with everything else: I write about it. Not in a blog. Some things are not meant for public viewing. Trust me. At least not yet. I am grateful to God for the gift of being able to express myself in words. Otherwise, I might explode one day and kill you all. Haha! Just a little mental health humor. Lighten up. I couldn’t possibly get to you ALL, could I? Of course not. So stop worrying. While I am quite ill, I’m relatively harmless. I have very few thoughts about harming other people. Those thoughts are always specific and directed towards people in my past whom I no longer have contact with. And I’m too chicken to harm myself. I faint at the sight of blood. I almost fainted from typing that.
Since I started this blog I have managed to get a little sleep and feel a little better. I think I am still manic. I will find out tonight when I go out for “girls night” with some friends. I’m going to try to just be myself but I may get silly and laugh too loud and talk too much. No harm done . They will forgive me. I’ll drive like a maniac there and back, willing myself to drive slowly and failing. I’ll come home to my husband waiting up for me to see what kind of mood I’m in. If he’s lucky I will still be silly and funny and no one will have made me mad all night. ❤